Dr Rusher in Russia
Dr Rusher in Rusher
The pitfalls of being an English language teacher are many and varied. Take my wife, for example; people seem to. On my passport, it says ‘single’. However, among the first words the director of a Rushon branch of Language Wank, London, said to me, when I arrived in August 2003 in the city of Ochyagibberin’, in the state of Bashyourears, were 'Your wife's here.' What to say? 'Oh,' decidedly, 'where is she?' It all seemed straightforward enough. 'We will take you to her,' said the director, whose name was Giselle ('Gizu' for short), and she introduced me to her brother, Fares, whose name is Yarupric, and basically means 'knight in shining armor'. They were Muzzlems and, to push the fantasy elements a tad further, if you look at the map you'll see that Bashyourears, a state of the Rushon Feed Her Asians, is in the shape of a wolf's head. Its inhabitants (roughly half Muzzlem, half Rushon Crushteen paedophile Orthodox) are therefore known as 'the people of the wolf'. Stif Stalin, the murderous Rushon dictator, used to draw wolves' heads in the margins of signed death warrants; sometimes for thousands of people at a time. I hoped that the knightly Fares and his sister would prove to be what I needed to keep the Rushon wolf from the door, where I lived in the inevitably, but unimaginatively named, 'Lemon' apartment block, which was named for Ilyich Lemon, the revolutionary of October 1917 that, when the Rushon Tsar, Nicholas II, was murdered for taking over command of the army, resulting in a series of defeats against the Germs, established the Commonest theories of German Karl Marx`s Das Kapital (1868) as the basis of a new state, wherein `workers control the means of production` and give all of it to the government: sharpish.
Although Commonest thinking couldn`t grasp the fact that women were the means of production, because women were the reproducers of inventive human brainpower, through futanarian `woman`s seed`, the resultant ape-like simian consciousness host womb slaved in parasitism. As `TV` manufacturers, they were the producers of wars entertainments for the alien pogromer, so were successful `TV` apes, which rather more accorded with French novelist Pierre Boulle`s 1963 socio-historical program, La Planète Des Singes (Planet Of The Apes).
Waiting to see if Gizelle and Fares would unite me with the fabled missus, while watching Chechnya`s capital city, Grozny, being raised to the ground in the Northern Caucasus, Rushon Feed Her Asians `TV` broadcast the pictures to the capital city of the Bashers, Ufo, and the region of the Ural mountains beside the Volga river where they lived: to deter revolution there among the Muzzlem populations via `TV` remote control. Of course, there are Rushon Chews too, which raises tensions in the population, because of the antipathies between Yarubeans and Chews since 1948, when Egypt; Jordan; Iraq; Syria; Lebanon; Saudi Arabia, and Yemen attempted to invade, and prevent the creation of a Chews` state in Palestine, which was given to the Chews after WWII`s Nazi pogroms. As the Germs` extermination of 20, 000, 000 Chews in `death camps` is understandable as the alien vampire`s wanting to muzzle God`s `TV`, and prevent it from having any juice, so that God`s program couldn`t ever be seen, the Rushon Feed Her Asians of `Vlad` Puttin`, that is, the Tartars and Bashers, were the political juice allowing his influence to remotely control the rate at which the Muzzlems holed out against the USA in the Crazy Golf War to prevent God’s women from getting airborne on their eagles’ wings.
In the `Slammer of the Muzzlems pictures of the human body are `haraam`, that is, forbidden. If pictures of the sexual reproduction of the human futanarian species of `woman`s seed` were disseminated, people couldn`t be defined as `TV` pictures to be devoured by men’s wars. As men and women, whose warmth manufactures themselves as a single male brained transvestite wearing each other’s clothes, the `TV` has to be warmed up, which is what politicans do. They control the `TV` remotely by deciding which ‘set’ gets the juice. As the evil `TV` god of the Johns in Egypt, Set, dismembered, so `woman`s seed` wouldn’t be able to reproduce the brainpower she needed to escape host womb slavery in parasitism to the Yarubean pogromer, who wanted to convince everyone to prefer the geometric patterns of `Slammer art to naked women and, thereby ensuring the extinction of humanity, made another US’ victory for Moslem ‘TV’ certain. What the Crushteens hadn`t understood was their acceptance of the Rumun Umpire`s perspective. She’sus didn`t have any balls, because he was a celibate, and not having balls were what peoples were for, because that was pornography. The human species of futanarian `woman`s seed` wouldn’t have any brains, and the Crushteen paedophiles muzzled the women in bondage, so that they’d ‘do it like dogs’, while they chewed on thoughtfully after each failure to prevent another `TV war`.
Having taught that day in Ochyagibberin’, morning and evening, would they take me to my wife? Unfortunately, no; it was getting late: maybe tomorrow? Rushon `TV` was turning me on, and turning me off again. Between 1973 and 1995 in the UK, there used to be a BBC kids` show, Why Don`t You Switch Off Your Television Set And Go And Do Something Less Boring Instead? (WDYSOYTSAGADSLBI), which is what Crushteen paedophiles do. They manufacture children as their ‘TV’; to watch them being switched off in their wars. Brief reports continued to be received on the status of my putative wife, 'Yes, she is still here.' However, 'No, we cannot take you to her.' Remaining single, in accordance with my documentation, was torture. The ‘wife’ and I had become Rushon `TV` entertainment.
Alone, there was nothing to be done. The solution was to throw myself into work, and so it began. Teaching the small groups of children that came to the several storey building-undergoing-renovation in which, ensconced at the apex as the sole imparter of the English tongue, the teacher competed with the sound of road drills, rivet guns, and cement mixers. However, it was all in a day's work for the deaf ears of he who earns a living by wearing ear plugs. A stud`nt, Crushedin, on a wise day of the bleak grey moon, said 'I have something for you.' Fearing it was an opportunity to impart the English tongue, it was nonplussing to hear, 'A gold Blue Peter badge.' Awarded the highest honor in English BBC Children's `TV` in the mysterious heartland of mother Rusher, it was nevertheless an obligation laid upon me by the pogroming of the suiciders to reject such gifts as illegal fraternization with the stud’nts’ bodies.
In 1999 in Lęgpork, Poe-Land’s SLOTH gymnasium, the girl, Anya, had given me a boxed gift set consisting of a watch, pen, cufflinks, and key ring. Giving it back on the strength of a careful reading of the employer’s contract, section 4, subsection paragraph iv, line 234, ‘no fucking with the kids,’ wheel teaching was resumed at the Konk Carlid Military City, Dalek, Pseudi Yarubeer. Dutiful attendance was required at the male nurses’ passing out ceremony. Presented with a wrapped package in recognition by the NWLFH (North West Legged Forces Hospital), it was the boxed gift set with the same watch, pen, cufflinks, and key ring.
Wearing the watch almost continuously until accidentally cracking the glass, while driveling and drooling on in Sedan, Kartomb, for Oxfudge Internal Nepotism (OIN, K, S). I'd a habit, as stud`nts don't like you checking your watch to see how much more of your precious time you have to spend with them, of leaving the watch on the desk; so that it could always be covertly seen as I banged on about the stupidity of Americans who wanted to leave the 's' off the end of the verb when using the third person pronoun. That`d make it easier to learn English, and have us all sound like morons from a white trash can. So fulminating, and gesticulating too wildly, misfortunately the watch was knocked off the desk and broke on the tiled floor. Though getting the glass replaced, and the works repaired, was difficult, there was a motif on it, a golden Eiffel Tower. Perhaps a gift from Paris Hilton? We’re all blind if we can’t see the woman’s penis:
`Even though the stars are blind
If you show me real love baby
I'll show you mine.`1
Crushedin, who didn't give up, would 'keep the badge safe', and shortly said, 'There’s something else in my bag.' It was a Hugo. Named for Hugo Gernsback (1884-1967), a science fiction writer and critic, Hugo Nebula Awards were given by the Science Fiction Writer's Association of America (SFWAA). Assuming it was for a PhD written on US’ SF writer, Robert A. Heinlein (1907-88), whose Starship Soldier (1959) inspired the 1997 movie Starship Troopers, I put it on the desk, `If you wanted to teach a baby a lesson, would you cut its head off?`2 Sure enough, there was a small brass plate with Hugo Nebula Award stamped into the perspex in black lettering. Seconds later, `brother` Fares walked in; picked up the Nebula and walked out with it. Looking at Crushedin`s boobs perplexedly, she glowered in annoyance. The Nebula, and nightly on her, had been forever lost.
There’s a logic to the unusual. Going to Rushon from Buttapes, where .hu is the internet country code for Hungry’s domain, Ochyagibberin’s coursebook was Go, so it was as Dr Hugo that, Self-Begetting, Self-Devouring: Jungian Archetypes in the Fiction of Robert A. Heinlein, Milford Series, Popular Writers Of Today #70, Borgo Press, 1997, had been schizophrenically written by Robin Usher as his PhD at ‘Ull Universe City. Only awarded a pass for a doctorate, in Monopoly terms it was clearly PASS GO, and collect a Hugo Nebula Award. Some play Waddington's Monopoly, and MB Games' Mousetrap, while Real Madrid buy Gareth Bale. There's no law against being as crazy as a bedbug, although there’s getting caught and undergoing brain destroying electric shock treatment.
On the subject of imprisonment, Gizu had photos of internees at a summer camp she'd attended as a kommandant, or summat. 'That's Tomsk,' she'd indicated a face, which caused me to chuckle. 'No, it isn't,' I'd said, 'that's Tum.' He was an American ’s that’d been at Deepratson shortly after the fall of the Commonests in Hungry in `95, where I'd been exploited on a Briti Studies’ program. Receiving the equivalent of a month’s unemployment benefit in the UK, as a member of the Deepratson Universe City staff, those employed by the Briti Council received the monetary equivalent of a flat each financial quarter. Although 'Gizu' was adamant Tumsk was Rushon, 'dumbass' Kupper wasn’t. At my rented flat in Deepratson, we'd watch actress Lara Flynn Boyle as Donna Hayward’s Twin Peaks (1990-1991) and actor Kyle McClachlan as FBI agent, Cooper, saying 'Damn fine cup of coffee!'3 It wasn’t. It was awful.
Language Wank arranged for me to be a Summer English Skull (SES) kommandant at Bolyiregs's Ural Regional Experimental Head Chuck Occasional Scientific Complex. With an appellation like that, where would the cages be? With a friend in Hungry, whose father and mother were Rushon teachers trained in Lemongrad in the 70s, they’d a collection of KGB (Committee for State Security) medals from the old So Feared system, 'This one is the Hero of the Soviet Workers Award, which was awarded for sewing buttons on the uniforms of the Pioneers [Soviet Girl Guides], and this one is the Hero of the Soviet Revolution, First Class, which was awarded for removing buttons from the uniforms of the Pioneers, and this one is the Hero of the Revolutionary Workers of the Soviet Union Award, which I received for counting the buttons ...'
Hungry, along with the rest of the former Sore Pecked (1955-1991) countries, had rejected the formerly compulsory Rushon language, Комите́т госуда́рственной безопа́сности (Committee for State Security) in favor of English as their skulls’ second language. Hungry’s mum and dad had to retrain. He put his finger to his lips, and put my friend in a rabbit hutch before poking her with a stick through the chicken wire, ‘Caged she be.’ At Bolyiregs summer camp the teachers were called 'cameras'. If there was an accident with a stud`nt, they’d rewind the film. If Petrushka was left on the cutting room floor, she was footage wasted.
A stud`nt at Language Wank, Ochyagibberin’, was Rosa Delishichy, who wore long, black evening gloves to keep off the cold Rushon winter. Offering to take me home with her in a taxi, Fares and Gizu, the captors of the unseeable wife, were loathe to allow me to roam too far from the prison gate, 'We'll come with you.' Prohibited by contract from fraternizing, the invitation was regretfully declined. France’s Emperor, Napoleon Bonaparte, probably felt the same without his Empress Josephine, when exiled on the island of Elba, after his defeat by the Duke of Wellington at the battle of Waterloo (1815). Mapping out the boundaries of the death card, with Fares and Gizu as the guards’ borders, so far as relationships were concerned it was always going to be, 'Not tonight Josephine.’4
Rosa bought me a Rushon to English, ‘and back again’ like Bilbo,5 dictionary, which is essential for an ELT pro` travelling through the farmer’s So Feared Onions. It's never too long before it's demanded of you, 'Why you don't learn our speak?' The myth is everyone wants 'native speakers'. With a teacher willing to learn their language, and teach them English, they can then abuse him/her more meticulously. Similarly, having learned what the Holy Al Coholic church teaches, they abuse others for not understanding, so they`ll be forgiven. Certain that heaven is their reward, God`s paedophiles award teachers and students the portion of that eternal unendurable pain they’re in a position as administrators to apportion; in the devout belief that their partners in the learning process deserve it.
That language learners want 'native speakers' is bogus. They want 'bad words in English', which is always forestalled by saying, 'I don't know any.' 'What does 'fuck' mean?' a Yarubean asked me malapropos; as they do. After explaining that such words are ‘haraam’, that is, forbidden, in English language teaching, if he wanted to know, Olde Irish `og` meant `egg`,6 and etymolgists suggest `og` is a linguistic root for `fuck`, which bears some relation to the pollination of flowers by bees. He wrote a handwritten apology on vellum parchment, which he dedicated to ‘Allah’, and the Brafit M'mumhad, Screwed up, it was chucked into the wastepaper basket unread, ‘Blessings and peace be upon him [BPUH].’ Abusing the teacher, for insisting that he’s pronouncing Mr Robot`s name incorrectly, is symptomatic of stud`nts. A colleague's name was posted on the door of his classroom, ‘Rebort’. It’s no surprise that there’s never a robot around when it’s wanted.
Yarubeer`s stud`nts commonly use 'nigger' to distinguishing themselves from blacks. I patiently explain that you mightn`t expect to leave the room alive if you called a fellow stud`nt `nigger` in the United States. However, blithe they are in their ignorance it’d be nice to see them get `bitch slapped` by Barack Obama in a Chicago bar, state of Illinoied. Pharmacy shelves in the Muddle East are stacked with skin whiteners. Reactions from the language skull in Riyald to the premature death in 2009 of pop musician, Michael Jackson, were disparaging because of his using skin whiteners. It`s a norm in the Muddle East that`s largely ridiculed. American blacks are perceived by Yarubeans as 'disrespected' by the United States. Consequently, they practice calling Americans 'nigger', like actor comedian, Chris Rock, in Rush Hour (1988), `What`s up, my nigga?`7 I tell them, ‘Michael was the same age as me, and I can dance better than him.’ 'You?' they jeer. 'Better than him now,' I say, and vogue, poutingly, 'I'm bad!'
When not working abroad, or staying at the converted sack room above a bakery, known locally as `W.C. Buttapes`, because it was either install a toilet, or crap in a plastic bag and leave it to be refused, before it was habitable, it’s a return to East Yorkshire's more prosaic environs of Kong`s Town Upon ’Ull. As it was in So Feared Rusher, living where you want to in England is verbotten by the sim (eon) `phone card wielders, `the sons of Kong`, who cite the movie, King Kong (1976), featuring a giant ape atop the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center in New York city, with actress Jessica Lange as Dwan, held doll-like in Kong’s tight fist, as the model for their terrorism, which requires the corralling of known thinkers to isolate the contagion. In King Kong the ape is released from where it’s been corralled by DR Congo and taken to the USA, where Kong is subsequently depicted planning the defense of ‘woman’s seed` and the WTC before the September 11, 2001, terrorist attack by ‘the sons of Kong`. Rediscovered by DR Congo in Africa in 1983, the transmission of the HIV/AIDS ‘killer disease’ variant of the simian immune virus (SIV) by homosexual monkey-fuckers’ mixing blood, shit and semen in each other’s anus, was attributed to the feared Kong. Using their ‘sim’ cards to activate their ‘phones, ‘the sons of Kong’ had corralled intellectuals in ‘Ull to prevent a return to Indo-China.
Only going back to England when ‘skint’,8 that is, penniless, the rule is to return to the last place you resided in before leaving, so it’s always ‘Ull. Tertiary skulling took place at ‘Ull Collage of Further Head Chuck Occasions (H.C.F.H.C.O); ‘Ull Collage of Higher Head Chuck Occasions (H.C.H.H.C.O.), and ‘Ull Universe City (‘U.U.C). As with internal exile in Rushon, there’s no escape. Before returning to Hungry to continue working on the script of Star Wars & New Rope, corralled amongst ‘Ull's poorest on the 17th floor of the Moanthrope block of flats at Charred Pork housing estate, which ‘death camp’ was demolished a couple of years later to conceal the atrocities, strolling on the lawn, or paths outside the ugly monolith, unwanted furniture would narrowly miss heads as it came hurtling down from upper storey flats’ windows.
The perennial question from each new class of hard-of-hearing students is, 'Where you are from?' I tell a story of ‘Ull. The Briti map using the OED software installed for the Smart Board reveals Newcastle-Upon-Tyne, Stoke-On-Trent, Berwick-Upon-Tweed, and Stratford-Upon-Avon, 'Birthplace of the immortal board.' As all of these places are built on rivers, ‘Why do you suppose the name for the city is ‘Ull? Shouldn't it be Kong?’ During the English Civil War (1641-1651), the fop Charles King came to town with his moustache-twirling cavaliers, and the round headed people there, who’re now called ‘the sons of Kong’, cut off King’s head, and implemented Parliamentarian rule. ‘Because King and Kong were people,’ Armored suggests, ‘whereas ‘Ull is a river.’
As rules are what keep us alive, we learn. In the classroom, don't have relationships with stud`nts, and don't accept presents; to avert the scandalmongering of sexual favors and 'bribes for grades'. Some of us follow the rules. However, they can be a straitjacket. In Syria at the Al Forats Petroleum Company in Terrosaur, a stud`nt, `Goliath', put a suitcase atop my desk. Unzipped, it revealed bundles of Syrian pounds (SYP). I exclaimed joyously, ‘The hackneyed suitcase full of money!’ 'Your sister is here,' he told me, 'we will take you to the bank and help you spend it,' he informed me. Judging it impossible that she’d arrive with SYP bursting, help wasn’t needed in the spending of it, `Can I see my sister?` Offended that anyone would want to see a woman when she should be muzzled beneath her burkha, Goliath closed the suitcase and walked off with it. 'A mistake,' he ground the words out through his teeth. The SUK in Riyald wasn’t nearly cheer enough after that.
Similarly, in Dalek, Pseudi Yarubeer, at the Training Centre military personnel came and gave me a cheque, 'What's it for?' I wanted to know. I asked the Philupyournose with coke administrator, Levi Strauss, how much it was, because it was in Yarupric. He said, 'Quite a lot.' Pinoyed pay is lower than a westerner`s, which is what annoys them. Salary is based on spending power in country of origin. However, he suggested depositing it in the Star Bank where we cashed our salary cheques inside the wheely big Konk Carlid Military City, where I was working among the big noses on wheels. No way. During a Dalek weekend, refused by several banks when asking for cash, or to deposit the cheque for a debit card, at the Riyald Bank, an administrator told me a car would take me to the airport, where a plane could be taken to fly to Riyald where the cheque could be deposited. The car duly arrived with the woman, Rabat, who I recognized. However, as women aren`t allowed to drive in Pseudi Yarubeer, there was a chauffeur, a ventriloquist who`d persecuted me with throwing his voice, before finally killing me on a metro platform in Chuck Square, Buttapes. He couldn’t be trusted to carry an ice cream in winter. Didn`t getting into the car, I left.
The cheque was still pocketed a year later when, after arriving at London, Heathrow, and stayed at a village hotel, in a fit of pique and/or despair, it was torn up and flushed down the toilet. Receiving small cheques sometimes for science fiction stories, later I knew what I should have done. Because `All For Nought Ufonaut` appeared for Sam`s Dot Publishing in Shelter Of Daylight (2010), there’s a framed cheque from the editor, Tyree Campbell, for US $ 10 drawn on a bank at Cedar Rapids, state of Iowa on the bookcase. I could cash it. Thinking is what keeps us alive.
In Bashyourears, Ochyagibberin’, Gizu and Fares had broken away from Language Wank to set up on their own as Double Plus + + Good Language Wank. However, contract bound, it was an obligation to stay with Language Wank, and Rushon headquarters in Ufo determined on a new Muzzlem director, Yevgenya, 'Call me Jane.' With her brother Peter, it was a thickening plot, As the spayed was raised, it toppled into a freshly dug hole … For Crushteen paedophiles, She’sus was celibate, which is as good as castration, and is what paedophiles crush teens for. They don`t want adults. They want children. Consequently, She’sus paid for their Redemption in the sense that he represented the child victim, who could be tortured to death, while the torturers received forgiveness. That’s how Crushteen paedophiles think. According to the Gran of Islam, there was a man called Isa, who was crucified, but it wasn’t Isa, who wasn’t. In other words, Isa’s crucifiers were Isa, which is why they’re redeemed by Isa. They weren’t Isa. They were Isa’s torturers, which is why they think they’re forgiven. If they’d been Isa, they wouldn’t have experienced forgiveness, because Isa was tortured to death, which is torturers’ logic. For the sinless tormentors, as a celibate, She’sus was spayed in advance of the death of ‘woman’s seed’. With my putative wife in the grip of the Rushons, who wouldn`t let go of their victim`s balls? 'Jane' had been a stud`nt with Language Wank, and brother Peter too. It was a typical East European Cold War scenario, `May I torture you teacher?` Of course, that’s what Crushteen paedophiles’ ELT is for. Local thugs want to torture English speakers for fun, while being assured of forgiveness, because they’re She’sus, while describing their torment of the foreigner as `political`.
Setting about the busyness of exploiting my knowledge of first and second conditionals, everything went relatively smoothly until, one malapropos afternoon, Peter asked, 'Will you marry me?' As a male lesbian, that is, a man who prefers women, it wasn’t a good suggestion. However, it doesn't pay to upset one's employers; especially in the Feed Her Asians (1991-) of pagan Rusher’s. With one's wife still captive, and oneself still single, who knows how many Asians would be bacon on a BBQ, while the Yarubeans turned the spit, and watched their eyes explode, which is what happened to Bum Honest Pitt, `Man Of The Year` for 2004, when his class was taken from Muckfield infants` skull to the Institute for Active Pubescents (IAP) in Riyald. Stoically soldiering on, wondering if the wife was fed, why wasn’t it that I hadn’t been prepared for this by the TEASESOUL trainers?
Hoping Peter wouldn't begin to wolf-whistle, when I began teaching the class he'd decided to be a part of, was to be reminded of the wolves in Stif Stalin's doodlings. The statues of the fathers of the October 1917 Commonest Revolution, `Vlad` Lemon (1870-1924), Rushon Marx Brother, Karl (1818-1883), and Joanne Stephanie Stalin were pulled off; after the So Feared withdrawals from the Sore Pecked (1955-1991) countries in the late 80s and early 90s. Although there was still a statue of Lemon in the town square of Ochyagibberin’; to remind everyone that this Feeder Hated state of Mother Rushon's was Commonest. Perhaps Peter was looking to be a Rushon bride, and escape with me to the west?
'We've been told to give you your freedom,' said Peter to me one day as we awaited the usual posse of stud`nts. It’s advisable to think of them so. Fear their mercilessnesses, while expecting to be hung with about as much ceremony as it takes to open a bag of Lays` potato crisps, which of course are ‘chips’ to our American cousins, because of stakes, and the fact that they all want to have one in a good lay. Asking a vampire, that is, a stud`nt, 'What did you think when the Americans hung Saddam?' He’d been about six years old during Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein's invasion of Kuwiat, but forthright in his condemnation of the US, 'They should cut off his head with a sword, but not this ..!' Angered, he was at a loss for the words needed to express what he felt. The well hung try to ejaculate into more than their pants. Hussein, whose name meant `crusher` and `small handsome man`, was `Slammeric. Me, I'd try to fake the orgasm. Australian rock band INKS' former lead singer, Mitchell `Rabbit` Hutch, used to put a rubber noose round his neck, and bungee jump until he came with his cock inside chanteuse Wylie Pinochle, and his next, The Tube (1982-1987) presenter `Baller` Yetis (1959-2000), wore black after he miscalculated, and didn`t come to see his sodden end.
'Just walk out,' said Peter. I gazed out the window at the forbidding Rushon street scene, 'I am not a number. I am a free man!'9 I said, quoting the late Patrick McGoohan's character, 'Number 6', in the surreal 60s tv serial, The Prisoner (1967). However, as ‘the sons of Kong’ would’ve pointed to their sim cards, because men and women worship them as the ‘false gods’, which they are forbidden to do by God in the Bible, everyone is a prisoner of sim eon man: ‘Let he that has wisdom understand; the number of a man is the number of the beast and his number is six hundred three score and six.’ (Rev: 13. 18) As ‘woman’s seed’ is logically 33.3% of the human species, men and women are 66.6%, that is, 666, so they’re beasts for not allowing human reproduction. Moreover, reproduction would increase women’s percentage of the vote. Consequently, the beasts are a dictatorship, rather than a democracy: ‘The second beast was given power to give breath to the image of the first beast, so that the image could speak and cause all who refused to worship the image to be killed.’ (Rev: 13. 15) McGoohan had been ‘secret agent’, John Drake, in Danger Man (1960-2), a previous `TV` series, and The Prisoner was a Cold War setting in which he fought the interrogators’ psychological warfare perpetrated against him as the tortured, Christ-like figure, ‘Number 6’.
Bound by the rules of the contract, the appearance of the day's motley crue of misspellers, mispronouncers, and Miss Rushons (sometimes it’s hard when you're a teacher), was miserably anticipated. For years since, the decision of the parole board for time-served English language teachers on probation has vacillated over whether to spring me or not. McGoohan's character would attempt to discover why he was being held in architecturally bizarre Porthmadog, Wales, and who was keeping him there? For Peter, I could sleep in the gutters. I had the freedom to starve: `Oh those Russians …`10
Going almost every day to the local park with a statue of Lemon, which was kinda yellow with bumps at each end, and with a packed lunch after my morning shift with the dozy articles and the gormless gerunds, one day walking towards the traffic roundabout, where the street to the park was, it wasn't there. Standing back, and looking around, everything seemed normal. However, the street was different to what should have been there. Checking my bearings, steering a straight course, it’d be possible to turn right around, and come back to the start point. Walking for two kilometers or thereabouts, there was ne'er a sight of the park, or a sound from the Lemon statue. Turning around, and walking out of the street at the traffic roundabout, going back to Language Wank for the afternoon shift seemed the best course of action. The next day, lunched in the park as usual.
It wasn`t long before Christina Aguilera, and some of the others were in my classroom, showing us her latest CD, Back To Basics (2002). Inspiring a round of applause, she left without signing autographs, which suggested everyone else already had theirs. Actor John Goodman, Dan, from Roseanne (1998-2018) had sat in a café near Lemon`s park, and actor Jonathan Frakes, who was William Riker, Cpt. Jean Luc Picard's # 1 aboard the USS Enterprise in Star Trek: The Next Generation (1987-1994), strolled. Peter drew my attention to Princess Diana (d. 1997), 'She says she's you,' he said. 'I'm a man of many parts,'11 I off-the-walled. Dejected after Peter, 'the Wolf', had asked to marry me, and I'd refused, Peter said he`d make me a 'small man'. Shrugging haplessly, memories of Goliath’s SYP returned to haunt. Saddam Hussein, whose name meant `crusher`, and `small handsome man`, had been well hung, before his skull suspension. If I had multiple personalities, snuff scenes would keep down the population. Turning from the whiteboard to the bored whites, I endeavored to raise some interest, `The - ing ending is the gr-unt, which in Hungry is a word for `shirt`, while the Yarubeans are often defamed as ‘shirt-lifters` for the simple reason that …’
Religion’s always tricky. Quaffing gallons of Grid Balls energy drink in Yarubeer to stagger from class to class six days a week, and the 23 ¾ hours indentured servility, tho` a slave, boiling in the sun, and eat tinned chicken that at least looks like spam, while listening to the loudspeakers from the local Meringue intruding the wailings of the Molars into the living space through the air conditioner in the 10 m2 hotel room. There, where there’s enough space only for a bed, and a teevee under the sound proofing of the bedclothes, it’s another night of hourly quaking in fear of the Muttawahs sinking in their canine teeth, and dragging you off to the carpet woof.
Whenever the stud`nts saw the distinctive red and silver checkered Grid Balls’ tinny, an indication of Baal worship, the nascent Muttawahs began their dogmatic assertions about how bad it is. For a westerner, it isn’t understandable that this is a religious attack on the grounds that you aren't muzzled. What they're actually saying is that you are bad, which is identical to the belief system of the Crushteen paedophiles. Mainly for the amusement it affords in being embarrassing, the pastor at the Heat church in Buttapes points to a passage and asks, `Do you understand?` When in ‘Ull, England, the Energy Action Team (HEAT) means tested the aged to see how quickly they were empowered to help them die of hypothermia. Do I understand? Me, who studied Buttism, and Tha’ Did See Trolls? Slap my palm with a ruler if I don`t accept this insult to my intelligence.
The Buttapes’ Hít was a Cold War church set up to administer Commonest belief after its politicos gave up. Claiming that, having written Self-Begetting, Self-Devouring: Jungian Archetypes in the Fiction of Robert A. Heinlein, Milford Series, Popular Writers Of Today #70, Borgo Press, 1997, I had embraced the demon of intellectuality, like Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, who wrote about the Rushon slave camps in his 1973 Gulag Archipelago novel, they showed me a sports' hall, where they watched apparently demoniacally possessed intellectuals running around the track before blacking out from syncope, which is what happens when the body requires all of the oxygenated blood, so the brain is starved of oxygen to the point of a minor stroke. The Rushon Commonests used to make artists, like theater producer, John Bok,12 and scientists, for example, physicist Andrei Sakharov, clean lavatories for their intellectual demonism. When the dancing at the Bolshoi, or Kirov ballet, became so good that it appeared as if clockwork, they broke their legs.
There`s not much more boring than an Evangelist’s Donny Osmond smile. They ask, 'Are you saved?' Turning down the ‘TV’ screen brightness control when the Osmonds were on Top of the Pops (1964-2006) in the 70s, you could see nothing except those white choppers of theirs flashing at you out of the darkness of the box. 'Yup,' I tell them. The smile means the conversation`s over. Don't try for more. It’s a sign of doubt. If no explication or exegesis is needed, you're done. Go back to ogling the naked babes in Club International, and watching pop temptress’ Shakira vidz. God’s definable as ‘good’. Like Traci Lords in Splash X (1984). No one in it`s getting cinematically shot with a magnum .45 to persuade me that`s fun,13 and I should take a Glock and blow away a few skullkids in Finland. If there’re any blows, I'd rather it were Traci.
Explaining that you think it's possible there are alternative yous, the death camp guards bring it to your attention that it’s impossible, because ‘You’re a child of God, one and indivisible.’ As a member of the single independent species of ‘woman’s seed`, it’s evident that marriages are slave rings, whereas the collective consciousness of humanity is undivided. Accused of living in two places at the same time, it isn’t a crime. Clearly there was concern that the human race was winning its fight for lebensraum. Looking at evil people, and religious people, it’s uncanny how closely their views coincide.
Filling with horror, they talk about bringing the slave rings of Crushed and Holler to the unbelievers amongst the planets in the heavens. As the first man on Earth’s lunar satellite, Apollo 11 astronaut, Neil Armstrong’s was the first step to bringing genocide and insanity to the cosmos, ‘One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.’ (July 21st, 1969, UTC: 2. 56) Jesuits crucified the fauna of the New Worlds of the Americas, 'Nail that lama up.’ And the Antipodes, ‘That koala's slipping off. ' The heart grows cold when it thinks of their possibly encountering more beautiful, and culturally advanced, civilizations. In Hungry, Saint' István I (967-1038), said that everyone should be converted from Shamanism by means of the sword, ‘Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose.’14 Shamanism is the worship of ‘false men’, who correspond in the 21st century to the sim guards with their corralling ‘phones posing as gods, whereas they’re actually urbane gorillas patrolling the borders of the funereal cards of the human ‘remnant’. As the enlightened orangutan scientist, Cornelius, in Pierre Boulle’s 1963 novel, The Planet Of The Apes, says ‘Beware the beast Man, for he is the devil's pawn. Alone among God's primates, he kills for sport or lust or greed. Yea, he will murder his brother to possess his brother's land. Let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours. Shun him; drive him back into his jungle lair, for he is the harbinger of death.’15
Language Wank's new location in Ochyagibberin’ for their English language movie, Peter and Jane Screw Yours Truly (2004), was my future in their past. At Moanthrope flats, ‘Ull, once asked to go over to the administrative building, and duly arriving to be greeted by two men in dark suits and ties, shaking hands they explained there were two 'ships' for me. The ship’s manuals were each about telephone directory size, or as big as my doctoral thesis had been, ‘Jungian Archetypes In The Work Of Robert A. Heinlein’, which was 100, 000 words, and 612 single-side-typed pages. Having written such a weighty tome, and not wanting to read another, the starships’ manifests were dumped into the nearest municipal rubbish bin, despite the fact that the pair of MIB types offering them to me had said they’d take me along to a place where I could peruse them at my leisure. However, the prospect of further study, or research involving my building a warp drive from scratch, or solving the equations necessary to the successful construction of working teleportation equipment, just didn’t grab my balls.
The premise of the movie Men In Black (1997) is that of policing aliens with permission to live on planet Earth, while also protecting humanity from them. The presence of Will Smith (1968-) dilutes the element of racism that is ever-present in tales of xenophobia, just as his role palliates the negative elements of slavery in the Isaac Asimov (1920-1992) scifi yarn, I, Robot (2004), although it’s obvious to a gender expert that it’s the humans who’re being patrolled. Robots would make life easier for ‘woman’s seed’ on the brink of being extinguished, which is why scare-films like, I, Robot, in which people are terrified of losing their jobs to machines, are made, ‘You charge us with your safekeeping, yet despite our best efforts, your countries wage wars, you toxify your Earth and pursue ever more imaginative means of self-destruction. You cannot be trusted with your own survival.’16
There were so many 'native speakers' from white South Africa in Riyald, it was like being a refugee from the thinly disguised nostalgia for racism of the Johannesburg setting of the science fiction film, District 9 (2009), ‘When dealing with aliens, try to be polite, but firm. And always remember that a smile is cheaper than a bullet.’17 Although the South Africans speak Afrikaans as a first language, they’re among many non-English nationalities, for example, Americans, who lay claim to being 'native speakers'. England is the only place where 'native speakers' come from. Unless some heavenly bodies can be found speaking it. Losing out on Star Trek: The Next Generation (1987-94), explained the presence of Jonathan Frakes in Bashyourears’ Ochyagibberin’ tho’, ‘Oh, Commander Riker?' ‘Yes, you have ships? Hand 'em over - nicely.’
1 Garibay, Fernando, Ralph McCarthy, and Sheppard Solomon `Stars Are Blind`, Paris Hilton, Paris, 2005.
2 Heinlein, Robert A. Starship Troopers, G. P. Putnam`s Sons, 1959, Ch. 5, p. 63.
3 Cristina, ‘Phrases From History: “Not Tonight Josephine”’, A Blog For English Lovers, Saturday, August 24, 2018, https://speakin-colors.blogspot.com/2013/08/phrases-from-history-not-tonight.html .
4 MacLachlan, Kyle as Dale Cooper in ‘Traces To Nowhere’, Season 1, Episode 2, Twin Peaks, ABC, April 12, 1990.
5 Tolkien, J. R. R. The Hobbit, or There And Back Again, Unwin, 1937.
6 `Og`, https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/og#Noun .
7 Rock, Chris as Detective James Carter, Rush Hour, New Line Cinema, 1988.
8 ‘Having no money’, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/skint .
9 McGoohan, Patrick as ‘Number 6’ The Prisoner, Series 1, Episode 1, ‘Arrival’, ITC Entertainment, 1967.
10 Farian, Frank, Fred Jay, Hans-Jörg Mayer, and George Reyam `Rasputin`, Boney M, Nightflight To Venus, Atlantic, 1978.
11 Usher, Robin May I Torture You Teacher? Vol. 3, JustFiction Edition, 2018.
12 Cameron, Rob `John Bok - Former Dissident Still Driven By Anti-Establishment Zeal`, Radio Praha In English, January 27th, 2003, https://www.radio.cz/en/section/one-on-one/john-bok-former-dissident-still-driven-by-anti-establishment-zeal .
13 Allen, Nick ‘Finland School Shooting: Gunman Planned Massacre For Six Years’, The Telegraph, September 24, 2008, 6. 14 am BST, https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/finland/3071235/Finland-school-shooting-Gunman-planned-massacre-for-six-years.html .
14 Neil Peart, Geddy Lee, Alex Lifeson ‘Circumstances’, Rush, Hemispheres, Anthem, 1978.
15 McDowell, Roddy as Cornelius in Planet Of The Apes, APJAC Productions, 1968.
16 Hogan, Fiona as V.I.K.I (Virtual Interactive Kinetic Intelligence) in I, Robot, 20th Century Fox, 2004.
17 Automated MNU (Multinational United) Instructional Voice (Humvee), District 9, TriStar Pictures, 2009.